I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
