Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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