well I can't set my house on fire every night
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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