Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
