I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
