i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
