Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
