he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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