She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize