I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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