also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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