Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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