Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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