So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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