I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
