my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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