Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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