Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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