a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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