I think my fart just growled at me.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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