When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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