she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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