I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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