Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
