you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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