i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
