I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
