I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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