I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
