Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
