I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
