never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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