He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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