A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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