did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
