I'm going to jail i love you
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
