you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
