I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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