Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
