dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
she looked like the before picture.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
