Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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