I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
