Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize