There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
