i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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