We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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