there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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