I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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