I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
They are going to name an STD after you.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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