even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
