I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
There's even glitter on my cock...
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