i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
