It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
