I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
