What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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