too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
