He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
